Stepping out in to the storm

I had a plan to continue my story where I left off but I will have to come back to that.  I guess this blog will never follow a specific plan or timeline, because I am just following where I am told to go.

The other day, my cat and my dog were fighting.  They always fight but since the cat is declawed (and please don’t lecture me on declawing a cat, he is the only one we have ever had to do this to but it was for medical reasons), he has never taught the small dog a lesson to leave him alone.  He finally had had enough and got the dog by the throat and was going to do some damage.  I said if he does it again, he has to live someplace else.  It happened again.

My husband loves that old grumpy cat.  There was no way he was letting him go live somewhere else.  He was not home when it happened.  I knew this was going to be a large argument before he even got home.  I sat and waited for him to get home, in a depression, from the fear (there are only two basic emotions, love and fear, as I mentioned before), that we would be fighting like cats and dogs over a cat and a dog.

I did not go to God and ask Him how to handle this.  I did not let it sit and figure something out.  I was afraid.  I hate confrontation when it comes to my husband.  And lately, our communication has not been going well with all the stress of the hurricane, and a million other things.  I sat and worried about the confrontation and the argument.  Are you seeing where this is going?  

I stepped right out into that storm.  Just walked out of the Love and Peace in Jesus, and out the door and into the storm, like it was easy.  My husband walked in the door and got hit with it.  He didn’t make the dog and cat fight but he got it anyway.  In my mind, he had not stopped it either.  I had tried, I had worked with the dog but if only one side is behaving, this will not work.  But when my husband said he did not want to talk about it anymore, I kept the storm raging.  I followed him when he left the room.  I wanted a solution, and he did not have one, which just made us fight.  He did the only thing he knew to do and he left, with no phone, and not saying where he was going.  I have a panic disorder and gastroparesis.  This kind of thing will just make me sick.  And I did it anyway.  I stood in that storm like I had no idea there was another option, and I let it rage all around me.  

I did not sleep that night.  I knew he got home a couple hours later, but I did not sleep.  I am not sure he did either.  Let’s be clear, this was over a cat and a small dog fighting; not children, not a crisis, but a cat and a dog.  In hindsight, it seems beyond ridiculous, but at the time seemed like the most important thing because we were not at peace, we were not in God’s loving hands were we would have perspective.  Fear ruled the moment.  

I calmed down first the next day and discussed the whole incident with my friend Kay, and she did exactly what I needed her to do.  She did not take my side, and tell me that I was right.  She just listened and helped me figure out why I would do what I did.  And remind me that we are all human.  We make mistakes.  

Then I went to Jesus, on my knees, curled up in my bedroom closet, where I know no one will disturb me, and I confessed to Him all about how I had not had the faith to stay in Him and trust Him, but  took this silly problem on myself and messed up so much.  I asked for His forgiveness and prayed that my husband would forgive me too.  And I forgave him for leaving me, which always freaks me out.

It gave me such a clear view of how stupid worldly problems can be.  Preachers can preach, and you think they have it all figured out, but they do not.  And someone can know how to fix a problem and still do exactly the opposite.   I have to listen to what I already know, to stay inside….there’s a storm out there!!! 

If you would like to contact me please use the contact button at the top.  I read all emails sent to me.

-Sandi

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