Oh wait, this is exactly what this blog is about NOT doing. I will give you a little more information because it is when I made a realization, but making a list of all the things that happen around you as an excuse to be angry, or scared, or unmotivated, is exactly what NOT to do.
To quote Dr. David Jeremiah in the book Overdrive “When someone strikes out at you to hurt you with an evil act or accusation, don’t curse it; don’t rehearse it; don’t nurse it – but do reverse it”. He was discussing revenge at the time but the ‘rehearsing’ it part is where I can be the worst. I can run the bad things over in my head to the point where they become what I remember the most, and not the good times. They become my excuse for the behavior that God would disapprove of the most.
To finish the story in a short way, my husband and I had our identity stolen at one bank. One quick thinking customer service representative realized something wasn’t exactly right and she called my husband while the thief was on the other line. We did everything we were supposed to do change password and logins, give phone passwords, other forms of identification to lock this person out, but because they had so much information on us, they were able to continually sweet talk another customer service agent into letting them in. We were playing a game of whack-a-mole with some very smart person in Maryland (were the credit card copies went). Imagine if this person would use that amazing brain power for the good of humanity and not just to get our bank account.
After that I had more issues with getting my temporary feeding tube replaced because my surgeon was no longer available. In the end I was told to go to the Emergency Room again and force their hand into putting in a new permanent tube.
After two ER’s in the same day, a very nice Nurse Practitioner told me that the surgeon said he could see me the next day in his office. But without realizing it, my fight/flight/freeze mode had gone into fight. Purely out of survival, but it was stuck. I was rude to her, and she had a look on her face that I had not seen in years. I had promised myself never to go into fight mode again. Years of being terrorized had caused me to do damage to others for the excuse of survival.
I went back to the waiting room and told my husband about it and he said, you should just take the appointment. I went back and found the NP and told her that I had had been rude and I had no excuse and that I was sorry. I would be happy to take that appointment and clear some room in the ER for other patients. She said she could not make me take and form of care I did not want, and that is why she had that look, but she would make the appointment and was very kind and helpful after.
I went home after and hadn’t quite fully come out of this mode yet. This was not the full shock I needed. I actually started to argue with my husband, who is nothing but supportive and helpful. He did not say what he was probably thinking, which would have been rude, but as we started to argue I started crying and realizing what was happening. I told him, I think I am stuck in fight mode. He said, well, I told you that you had been snippy lately, which is his polite was of saying what he could not say. I had to see it for myself. I had to come to the point of needing to fall on my knees and ask for forgiveness and help from the Lord before anything was going to change.
The next morning, I tend to wake up about an hour or more before any alarms go off, and this is my quiet time, my time to talk to God, or listen to Him. In the next entry, I will tell you how the blog came to come into existence.
If you wish to contact me, there is a contact button at the top and I try to answer all emails. Thank for reading.
And the thunder continues to roll……..